"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want."
Romans 7: 18-19
For days, ok weeks and maybe months, I have felt that nagging, little nudge of the Lord beckoning me to complete a certain task. I hate to use the word nagging; however, it seems appropriate, because it is so often the opposite of what my flesh is really wanting to do. Even still, that nagging seems to have purpose, and underneath it, I know there's something new--something worthwhile, a new discovery, hidden treasure, a lesson learned, and an open door. What may seem, at times to me, a nagging nudge is really His precious, gentle, nail-scarred hand moving me forward to that next place for which I am longing and for which I have been praying. Why do I wrestle so stubbornly against Him and then accuse Him of ignoring me? Oh my, I am such a big baby!
All this time, I have been asking Him the same question over and over again. He keeps answering me in one way or another with the very same answer, but I keep on asking, thinking that quite possibly that answer could change. In fact, He humors me by answering me occasionally before I ever voice my question, because, you know, He already knew the question and already had the answer before I even directed the question to Him initially. (Whew...that's a simple concept that I can make complex in a hurry!) So, what's the question...."What do You want me to do, Lord?" How many times has He heard that one?
I kind of think that He has been answering that question for Me for years, just for this very season in my life. I am wondering why is it so difficult to digest His answer when it is really the answer for which I have been hoping. Maybe it means I have to get busy and take ownership of the gifts He has deposited within me; possibly it means that I may have to wade the shores of criticism or experience uncomfortable amounts of rejection--both of which I would love to gracefully pass over. It may mean that I have to intentionally install new levels of discipline in my life, which means giving up something else that delights me. I really do not know why I struggle so except for my flesh, but I do know that the yearning in me will not cease until I choose to walk in obedience.
The thing is...He is not being mean at all, not in the least. He is so nice and incredibly patient with me that I can hardly stand it, but He is also patient enough to wait steadily and quietly on me in this place until I choose to step up and step out. He's a bit stubborn, too, but in a faith-building, fruit-bearing, very effective kind of way.
So, then, here I am, trying to be His obedient little girl. I feel like I have nothing to offer. I feel embarrassed that it has taken me so long to surrender. I feel uncreative and unworthy of the task. I feel scared of getting any type of response or not getting any response at all. I feel emptied, because my flesh has been crucified to the cross of my own affliction but of His own redemption; I feel full, because when my flesh is poured out, His Spirit fills me up. I feel free, because there's nothing like the peace that rushes in when I trust Him with all things, great and small. I feel loved, because I am, forever and always in Christ--in obedience and disobedience. Oh, but how great is the sweetness of His presence when we walk in obedience, abiding in His tender love and care!
The commission God gave me....to write, to start here on this blog and share my heart. Am I such a goofball or what? Yep, it's true, but I am reminded by His Spirit whispering softly yet ever so authoritatively in my ear that I, too, am more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus! Thank You, sweet Savior!
